


Cuddling and Comfort

by jocelynfray



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 04:25:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9161272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jocelynfray/pseuds/jocelynfray
Summary: Set after the season 1 finale, won't be canon by the season 2 premiere but I don't really care. Just some cute Lucelyn fluff and mutual emotional support because they need it.





	

She knows she should feel happy, feel relieved to be out of the coma, out of Valentine’s clutches, that she’s _safe_ now.

But she doesn’t.

Even laying here, in Luke’s bed with his arms around her, she feels numb. It’s strange, almost. She knows that she should feel _something_ , anything, but she just feels detached, this sense of nothingness all around her.

“Joss? You okay?” She hadn’t spoken a word since they’d left the Insitute, just pulled him into the bedroom as soon as they’d gotten into his apartment. She still hadn’t told him what Valentine had done to her, only that he hadn’t sexually assaulted her, thankfully. He knew she wasn’t okay, he just wanted to start the conversation so she’d talk to him, tell him what she’s feeling.

“Yeah, fine.”

“You sure?”

“I…I don’t know. I think I’m dissociating or something cause I just feel very emotionally numb. Or maybe that’s the wrong word. It probably is.” She groaned, turning around to face him. “I’m sorry, I’m not explaining this right.”

“No, it’s okay. Take your time, I’ll figure it out.” He repositioned his arms so he was still holding her, keeping his grip loose and comfortable. He just really needed her as close as physically possible. Help reaffirm to himself that she’s safe and she’s here with him.

“No, I’m sorry, I’m being selfish. It’s just…everything that’s happened is just a lot to take in. Simon’s a _vampire_. He’s a vampire and he _died_. He’s dead and he died and-and Clary’s a Shadowhunter now and Jonathan is _alive_ , and-” She broke off with a sob, leaning into Luke’s shoulder and trying to calm down as he started rubbing her back gently.

After a few minutes she pulled back, looking at him. He took his hands off her back and gently wiped her eyes with his thumbs. “You’re not being selfish by telling me how you’re feeling, Joss. I’ve missed you so much and I’ve been so worried about you, I want to know how you’re feeling. And I know everything that’s changed must be a shock for you, but I’m here, I’ll help you through it.”

She nodded, forcing a smile; otherwise she might start crying again. “Thanks.” She cleared her throat, pulling back a bit so she wasn’t so close to his face. “You still haven’t shown me your scar. I know Magnus said he patched you up good and you’re okay and everything, but I have to just see it for myself to stop worrying about it. So um…could you please show me?”

“Sure.” He figured she’d want to check it out, she’d always worried over him too much. He let go of her and sat up, peeling off his shirt and dropping it on the bed. 

Joss sat up, looking over his chest, immediately picking out the new scar. She ran her fingers over it, tracing it and thankfully it wasn’t that long. Looked like it had been pretty deep though. “Did Magnus clean it before he stitched you up?”

“Yes, he cleaned it. I’m alright, Joss. Don’t worry about me.”

She looked up at him then, eyebrows raised. “Yeah, that’ll make me stop worrying about you.” she scoffed, shaking her head. “Been worrying about you for most of our lives, not going to stop now.”

“I know. I just don’t want you worrying too much, not good for your health to be worrying all the time.”

“I could say the same for you.”

“Touché.”

They fell silent as Joss continued prodding at his chest, checking to make sure nothing looked infected. 

“Do any of your pack use antiseptic on their wounds?”

“…I don’t know. Probably not. But I could make that a mandatory rule.”

“You should. I know you think you’re okay because you heal fast, but if dirt gets into the wound or there’s poison in it or something and you heal over it, you could get really sick.”

“I never said I think I’m okay because I heal fast.” he protested, then immediately regretted saying it because knowing him, he _had_ said it at one time.

She scoffed, stopping her prodding. “Yeah, you did. On your second full moon, when I was patching you up you said "You really don’t need to use the alcohol Joss, I heal really fast, I’m okay.” And then you said it again the next time, and then in New York after your first full moon here-“

"Okay, okay so maybe I _did_ say it.” he cut her off, knowing that if he didn’t she’d continue listing all the times and it was embarrassing enough just hearing the first few, thank you very much. “But now I know better.”

“Good. You can put your shirt back on if you want.” Not that she’d mind if he didn’t.

“I’m fine, was getting too hot anyway.” He laid down on his back, shifting a little when Joss joined him to give her more room. “So, now that you know I’m okay…how are you feeling? Still numb?”

She rolled over onto her stomach so she could look at him better. “No. Not as much as before, anyway. I think I just need to process everything that’s changed…god, so much has changed.” Just thinking about it was overwhelming.

“I haven’t.”

“Yes, you have. You’re the _Alpha_ now. And that means you’ll be in more danger, and people are going to try to _kill_ you, and-” She cut herself off, taking a deep breath to calm herself down. “And I can’t lose you.” She closed her eyes, groaning in frustration. “I’m sorry. I keep being selfish.”

He waited till she made eye contact to ask “Joss, you keep saying that, but I don’t see how you’re being selfish. How do you think you’re being selfish?”

“Because! I’m only thinking about myself! I’m thinking about you getting really hurt or-or dying, and I’m just thinking about how that would affect me, and Clary, and Simon and but mostly me, and that is so _selfish_.”

“I’m the same way with you. I _was_ the same way with you when you were kidnapped. I didn’t care about anything but keeping Clary and Simon safe, and getting you back. I didn’t care about the Cup, or any other Shadowhunter business unless it would help me get to you. So I really don’t mind you being selfish about me.”

“Good.” It was a relief, knowing she wasn’t the only one who was selfish about wanting him alive. “So…how are you adjusting to being the Alpha? Anything you want to talk about?”

“Okay, no, I see what you’re doing. We’re not talking about me right now, you’re the one that was kidnapped by Valentine. How are you feeling about that? Anything _you_ want to talk about?”

She buried her face in the mattress, groaning. “Don’ wanna talk about it.”

“What was that? Your voice is muffled, I can’t understand you.”

She sighed, looking up. “I said, I don’t want to talk about it right now. I know you want to but I’m just too emotionally drained right now, okay? We can talk about me later, right now I really want to know how you’ve been holding up. Please. I was worrying about you and Clary the whole time I was in that goddamn coma, I want to know how you are.”

He nodded, relenting. “Okay.” He sighed, trying to gather his thoughts. “Well, while you were kidnapped, I…honestly at first I tried not to think about it too much. I mean of course I thought about it, but only really in the context of getting you back. I tried not to think about you, and what Valentine could be doing to you.” 

He closed his eyes for a moment, clenching and unclenching his fists. _‘She’s safe. He didn’t physically hurt her, it’s okay’_ he reminded himself, breathing deeply to help calm himself down.

He felt Joss cover his fists with her hands. Breathing out, he relaxed them and intertwined their fingers. He opened his eyes and found her staring at him.

"Hey. Are you okay?" she asked, concern radiating off of her. "If this is too hard for you-"

“No, I'm okay." he cut her off, resisting the urge to force a reassuring smile. "Really, I'm fine. Promise."

"Okay, just checking."

"I know. Thanks." He gently untangled their hands, breaking eye contact and focusing his eyes on the blanket. "I, um...I talked about you. Not to any of the Shadowhunters, just to Clary and Simon. When I became the Alpha...it was an adjustment. Still is an adjustment. I’m not used to giving orders, of being in charge of so many people. Them all counting on me. Alaric was a big help though. He’s my right hand man, I guess."

He shook his head slightly to get himself back on topic, clearing his throat. "Anyway. I was still focused on you, on protecting Clary and helping her find you. I had tunnel vision, that’s all I could think about. And eventually, I couldn’t not think about what Valentine could be doing to you, which only made the stress worse because I couldn’t protect you from him and I had to stay strong for the pack and Clary and Simon-” he broke off, feeling tears welling up behind his eyes, looking away to try and pull himself together.

Joss reached over and gently grabbed his face, turning him to face her. “Hey. Hey, it’s okay. You don’t need to be strong for me, okay? You don’t need to be strong for me.” She sat up on her knees partway, carefully leaning over him and wrapping her arms around his shoulders, pulling him up to her.

He immediately returned the embrace, wrapping his arms around her torso and tucking his head into her shoulder.

She moved a hand to his head, gently stroking up and down (it used to calm him down when they were kids, certainly calmed Clary down when she was younger). She heard him sniffling on her shoulder, and she assumed that was him trying to keep himself from crying. “It’s okay, you can let it out. Let me be the strong one, okay?” she said softly, continuing to rhythmically stroke his head. Then she heard him sob, and it was like a dam had broke inside of him as he cried into her shoulder, holding onto her for dear life. 

Everything he’d gone through the past few weeks was finally catching up to him, he guessed. He’d managed to block out some of the emotional aspects because he was always needed, whether it was by the pack or Clary or Simon, but now it was hitting him full force. He'd almost _died_ , several times. Jocelyn had been kidnapped by Valentine and he couldn’t do anything to protect her. Hadn’t been there to stop it. He was the Alpha now, and all that pressure to keep everyone alive was weighing on him, and it was all too much. He relaxed in her arms as he cried, holding her close.

Eventually his crying tempered off, and she continued stroking his head, listening to his breathing even out and become less ragged.

He stayed in her arms for a few more moments, breathing her in and drawing strength from her touch and embrace, before taking a shaky breath and pulling away, letting go of her.

Joss pulled back once he’d let go completely in case he still needed her to hold him, stretching her legs out and laying on her stomach, staying close to him. She reached a hand out and cupped his cheek. “Did that help?” 

A nod.

“Do you want me to get you some water?”

Another nod, so she got up and went into the kitchen, opening up a few cabinets before finding where he stored his cups. She filled it up from the tap and brought it back into the bedroom, silently handing it to him before getting into bed. 

Once he’d drank it all, he set the cup on his bedside table. “Thanks.”

“Welcome.” She smiled briefly, grabbing both his hands and giving them a light squeeze. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to keep your feelings from me, okay? We’ve never done that with each other, and I don’t want us to start now. Especially not now.”

“I know. I just…I didn’t want to burden you, you’ve been through enough already, you don’t need my issues.”

She sighed, letting go of his hand and cupping his cheek, running her thumb over his stubble. “Really, Luke? Really? I love you, but I would think by now you’d get that your issues are my issues. I want to hear about how you're feeling and I want to help you. You’re strong for everyone and you help everyone and that’s one of the things I love the most about you, but I don’t want you to feel like you need to be strong for me. I don’t want you hiding your feelings because you don’t want to burden me.”

He nodded. “I know. I don’t want you hiding what you’re feeling from me either.”

She dropped her hand from his cheek, looking down at their clasped hands. “I know. I just don’t want to distract you or anything, cause now you have so many responsibilities, with being the Alpha and your job and Valentine being God knows where. I’m kind of a last priority in terms of importance.”

He immediately started shaking his head, letting go of her hand and gently cupping her chin, nudging her up to look him in the eyes. “You are not and will never be last priority to me, okay? You and Clary are _everything_ to me, and whatever other responsibilities I have always comes second to you both.”

She nodded, processing what he said. It’s stupid, she already knew she’s important to him, but that was before he had more on his plate, and it was so comforting to know that that hadn’t changed. “I don’t really know what I should say to that. I mean, well, I…I know me and Clary and Simon are important to you and I’m glad we’re still just as important even though you have so much going on. And it’s the same for me too, just so you know.”

“I do.”

She nodded in acknowledgement. _'Okay, time to stop stalling and get to the messy stuff’_ “So, do you want to talk about how you’ve been feeling with everything that’s happened?”

He sighed, nodding. “Where should I start? A lot has happened.”

“Just start with what’s easiest.”

“Okay…well, since you got kidnapped up until you were safe again, I’ve had an undercurrent of fear. I was terrified about him hurting you, torturing you, and on top of that keeping Clary safe was stressful and scary cause she kept getting into trouble. Then Simon became a vampire, and I was worrying about him. In between that I almost died cause of the Alpha, which was terrifying.”

Well, not completely terrifying.

He paused, trying to find the words to tell her about his dream. “I dreamt of you, in my fevered state. I was a Shadowhunter, and we were in that garden back in Idris, the one we’d go to talk about Val?” He waited for her to nod before continuing. “I’d been running through the garden, looking for you, and then I found you and you told me to tell Clary everything about her past, that it would unlock her. Then you just…disappeared. That part wasn’t so bad. I know it wasn’t real, but I missed you so much I didn’t really care.”

“…this is going to sound weird, but that _was_ real, Luke.”

He looked at her, confused. “What do you mean, it was real?” 

“I mean, at some point during my coma -I don’t remember when, everything blurred together- I was in the garden in Idris alone, and then I wasn’t. You’d been looking for me, and I was so happy to see you. I remember, um, I put my hand on your cheek and I told you I couldn’t stay, and I told you you had to tell Clary everything so she could get the Cup.” She chuckled, shaking her head. “I wasn’t really sure how much you were actually hearing cause you kept asking if any of this information would get me back. At the time, I thought that maybe it was real, but I wasn’t sure if it hadn’t just been my mind making up some nice scenario to distract me from what was going on around me.”

“Wow. That’s…wow.” He didn’t know what to make of this, it was really strange. “But why was I a Shadowhunter then?”

“I don’t know. That _was_ weird.”

“Why do you think that happened?” He had no clue, maybe she had a theory?

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s cause you were really weak, and because it was a magical coma my subconscious could reach yours?”

“But why _could_ it? You're a Shadowhunter, I’m a werewolf, that shouldn’t be able to happen.”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s just cause it’s us, and we’re connected or something.”

“Maybe.”

“So…after the dreamscape, how were you feeling?”

“In pain. Scared.” He sighed. “I love you, and I love you for caring about my emotional health, but can I just hold you for a long time? We can talk about all this later.”

“Sure.” She wrapped her arms around his torso, resting her head on his chest (it always calmed her down, hearing his heartbeat). “This okay? Or is my hair annoying you?”

“No, I’m good.” 

“Shit, did you want to spoon or something? Cause we can do that, it’s just it’s been a long time since I’ve shared a bed with another person and I kind of need to hold something now to fall asleep.”

“I didn’t know we were sleeping now.” But that did sound really nice.

“I am, you don’t have to. I’m just really tired, and I haven’t felt this safe in a long time.”

“Na, it’s been a while since I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep. And I’m glad you feel safe with me.”

She yawned, pulling the blanket over them both and getting comfortable. “Mmm…always have, dear. Now please be quiet, I gotta stop thinking and you talking isn’t helping.”

He smiled to himself; she’d never called him dear before and it was really cute. Made him feel very heart-warm. “Yes, dear.”

“Don’t mock me.”

“Wasn’t mocking, hon.”

“Better not’ve.” she yawned again, closing her eyes.

“Love you.” _God_ , it was so so wonderful to be able to tell her that and mean it not just in the platonic sense.

“Love you too, hon.”


End file.
